Feeling Disconnected: Managing Your Partner’s Business Travel

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Husband leaving for a business trip with his suitcase.I’ve jokingly referred to my husband as the traveling salesman. He is not in sales, but his job often requires business travel. 

In my opinion, the “idea” of business travel is much more glamorous than the reality.  

The first few times I traveled on business, it was somewhat cool. I felt like such a grown-up! What an important professional I was! But before I knew it, it wore out its welcome. For the most part, you are in and out of cities that you are initially excited to visit, but there’s not much time to go sightseeing. And I soon realized that the ultimate goal of business travel is to try to get on an earlier flight home! 

My husband typically travels every other week, pretty much from Monday through Friday (or Saturday morning if he returns on the red-eye from California.) Recently there was a travel stint of three weeks in a row, excluding the weekends. As the norm, he left on a Monday morning and returned home Friday evening – times three. Luckily, that’s the exception and not the norm!

Often folks ask if his traveling is tough on our kids. I’m sure it is in some respects, but we talk about it often, and overall they’ve adjusted well. Whether their dad is traveling or not, the kids have routines with school, afternoon activities, and homework during the week. 

Sure, he has missed a few events, as have I, but that’s not different from most families. I’m lucky enough to work from home, and as a result, I believe I’m a present enough parent that the kids do not feel his absence too much. 

Other queries, which are asked less often, give me more pause when I answer. 

  • Is it tough on you?
  • Is it tough on your husband?
  • Is it tough on your marriage?
  • And then there’s the “Oh, but it must be exciting (wink, wink) when he returns?”

If I were to answer all those questions quickly, my answers would be, “All a little tougher than we thought.”

Shifting Family Dynamics

It’s not so much that I need help or am exhausted. We carpool a bit, and friends and family can help if needed. Of course, there are plenty of times when I feel like I’m managing Grand Central Station with approximately six hours of downtime when I’m sleeping. And as the one at home, I’ll admit to a bit of jealousy, as when my husband’s work day is done, it’s done! I’m not even speaking of loneliness because, with two kids, a full-time job, and my writing, who has time to be lonely?!   

The part of the gig that I find most challenging is the frequent and constant transitions. The definition of transition, according to Merriam-Webster, is the passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another. Synonyms, according to thesaurus.com, include shift, turning point, flux, and upheaval! Those are some strong words!

When he travels, my husband leaves at the beginning of the week, and my son, my daughter, and I manage as a little trio until he returns at the end of the week. We have a daily routine of work and school, with those after-school activities of Hebrew School, Girl Scouts, piano lessons, and sports all thrown in for good measure. We do our thing.

As Friday approaches, I see the finish line! My husband is excited and ready to come home as well. But, upon that return on Friday or Saturday morning, the routines don’t fall back into place immediately. It takes a few days, believe it or not. “I’ve” made all of the daily decisions to get us through the week, and suddenly, there’s another adult’s opinion here to consider! Really? 

For me, it’s almost like he is in and out of the family routine. There’s a sense of disconnection to our routines.  

When my husband is home, he does his share with no question, but then he asks questions about school schedules, events, activities, and more where I know I have this look on my face like, “How do you not know this stuff already? Don’t you live here?”

My son, daughter, and I have been getting through the week with certain rules and processes, which are a little more lax than my husband’s. So when he comes home, things aren’t as “natural” for the first few days.  

Sometimes I feel like he adds an extra step to my process or even throws in a roadblock. It’s caused some angst, and I need to be more aware of my reactions. Some miscommunication, some misunderstandings, and sometimes I may have neglected to share upcoming plans I’ve arranged for us. It takes a few days for all of us to settle back in, and when we have our groove going again, he’s off on another trip.

Marching On

We’ve been married almost 20 years (together for about 30), so not doing “all the things” together, including making daily decisions, feels a little off. The difference in time zones can cause a little snag when my husband travels and doesn’t offer easy communication. We have to commit more effort there, but thank goodness for texting.

On the positive side, I have become more of an independent, well-rounded, and confident woman. I sensed that I’d grown a bit. I’m no longer anxious when he leaves. I can handle silly things like cleaning off the car after a snowstorm or eating out at a restaurant with just me and the kids to much more important things like flying solo at my son’s IEP meetings. And besides a steady paycheck, there are some material perks, like those hotel and airline points.  

I’m not asking for sympathy or empathy here. By no means do I believe our situation is the most trying. It’s just a newer part of our relationship to continue tackling. We’ll have to continue to make it work. Travel isn’t going to tear us apart, but there is no shame in admitting that it’s not all sunshine and lollipops. (And obviously, it’s much better than the alternative of no job.) It’s just a little taller of an order than initially anticipated.

I should ask my husband his thoughts. Does he feel disconnected and out of the loop? And how’s that reentry going? Maybe I will if he stays in town long enough to chat.

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Melissa
Melissa is a Bronx native who moved to Westchester County after she and her high school sweetheart got hitched in 1997. She and her husband live in Mount Kisco with their son Corey (2004) and daughter Mia (2007). Melissa spent many years working in Human Resources and currently works in enrollment and marketing for a child care organization. Melissa is a two-time survivor of Postpartum OCD. She initially became interested in writing to raise awareness for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders but has discovered that writing is a newfound aspect of her life that she thoroughly enjoys. Melissa is excited to write with the Westchester County Mom team and hopes you’ll enjoy her stories of the trials and tribulations of a born-n-raised city girl raising teenagers growing up here in Westchester.

1 COMMENT

  1. Hi Melissa,

    A lot of this really resonates with me. My husband works away a month at a time and it is definitely tough. Definitely not sunshine and lollipops! We get through it because we have to but as you say there are times when I hate it. The flip side is I do feel quite lucky to have the time and be able to build a special relationship with the children; but that does also have a downside.
    My children are both young and one of the hardest parts is how they will react when he comes home. Re entry is not predictable when dealing with the children and sometimes even when he is home it’s still all on me. That complicates things.
    It’s all still very much a work in progress for us…but just wanted to let you know I get it!

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