Sibling Rivalry as a Barometer of Unspoken Needs

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sibling rivalry

I don’t know about you, but when I hear my kids fighting, the sound is as blood-curdling as fingernails on a blackboard! I just want to shut it down as fast as I can. My knee-jerk reaction is to quiet them down, separate them, and get as far away from the bickering as I can. It’s easy to assume that we’ve all moved forward after the begrudging apologies are made, and all is forgotten. But this is when I’m suggesting paying closer attention, not to the daily, “he said she said,” but to the underlying causes of your children’s bickering.

Now, I’m not suggesting that letting the kids have their own mini version of “Fight Club” is the way to go. After establishing a “cool down,” perhaps the work of understanding the conditions that precipitated the storm can begin.

Children often don’t have access to their feelings in the way that we might. They may be unable to talk about what’s getting under their skin, or they may not even know. Sometimes, the way that our kids “talk” to us is by “acting” it out. So, by asking your kids, “What happened here?” chances are you will get something like, “She teased me” or “He isn’t sharing.” Taken at face value, we can attempt to teach our kids to be more respectful to each other or to learn to be more generous and giving, which we’ve all tried time and time again, but the behavior continues as before. So what are the messages running under these hurricane-like outbursts?

As an example, in my household, my pre-teen daughter and grade-school son had an uptick in their bickering recently. I’d hear from my daughter that my son teases her, and my son’s answer was that my daughter was rude to him. I asked myself, “What is it they’re trying to tell me about myself and the way my husband and I are parenting them?” It occurred to me that my daughter started giving her school work real effort, and the payoff was the “A” she was proudly receiving. Of course, this brought her a lot of positive attention and feedback from us. I realized my son felt he was not measuring up, and in his mind, we preferred her. So, teasing her, having her lash out at him, and having us get annoyed at her, gave him the pleasure of seeing her “tainted” in our eyes. Of course, both were getting our equal annoyance, but he was willing to take the hit if the payoff meant seeing his “perfect” sister get into trouble.

Remember, kids are always sending us messages that can be encoded in their behavior. It’s essential to respond to their need for attention, whether there truly is an imbalance or one that’s perceived. Although the acting out may be directed toward the sibling, the outcry is meant for our ears. So, if one kid is harassing the other, ask yourself if anything has changed in the immediate environment to leave your child feeling short-changed. Chances are, spending more time really listening and hearing from the alleged culprit will produce better results than lectures on mutual respect. Because children often can’t articulate what’s on their minds, the negative attention they get as we try to quiet their bickering is precisely what they are seeking from us….. our attention, our time our interest in them.

Getting back to the weather in our neck of the woods, we were able to find the areas in our son’s life where he excelled, and ramp up our attentiveness to him and his strengths. As for now, we are experiencing warm, calming breezes.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Nicely written. We certainly do have to read between the lines with our kids.
    I have three kids and they are ALL so different. My oldest two are love/hate all the way. My youngest is the glue (it’s not in her to fight) she’s the neutral party.
    I can see how my oldest begrudges my middle child because she took away ALL of the attention from him when she was born. AND she is a fierce defender of her choices. It’s very interesting to watch them unfold as they grow.

  2. Thanks for your thoughts, Arlene. I’m glad the blog resonated with you and your experiences. Looking forward to reading yours!

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