Are You Worried Your Little Elves Are Getting S”Elf”ish This Holiday Season?

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A toddler sitting by a Christmas tree. Children are asked to write a wish list for gifts they hope to get each holiday season. They are told to focus on their wants and the consumer goods that will make them happy. As parents, we allow our children, this month, to indulge in greed. At the same time, we must remind them how quickly it can all be taken away for bad behavior or for acting too greedy. 

There seems to be a double message this time of year. Even Santa was a little ambivalent about his giving. His naughty and nice lists allowed him to take back giving if he disapproved of children’s behavior. How uncertain are we as parents about giving to our kids? How many of us want to give all the hottest toys to our children and to see the thrill they get opening their gifts, at at the same time wonder, “Are my kids just getting spoiled by all these things?”

A Closer Look At That List

There is little as heart-wrenching as spending hours searching for that exact toy your child requested, using precious weekend time shopping and wrapping gifts in their festive papers; only to see your little ones tearing through each gift, too excited to examine each desired item in a frenzy, and exclaiming in a burst of excitement, “What else did I get?” It may lead a parent to conclude that their little angel might be the most unappreciative child on the planet. 

If you are worried that your child might be spoiled due to the season of giving, it may be a good time to examine your relationship to gifts, giving, and money. Perhaps you didn’t have what you can now give your kids when you were young. What feeling does that bring up for you? Are you fearful your children will be different from you? Are you concerned they will develop different values and lifestyle choices? Or, perhaps you can’t give to your children the way your parents gave you. Are you feeling guilty? Inadequate? It’s important to explore your relationship to giving and gifting before imposing traits and values onto your children. We may be hasty in calling our children spoiled without examining what we mean by this. 

Re-Examining Naughty and Nice

Infants and toddlers are never spoiled. By crying, infants express their biological needs, which we must respond to. Toddlers, in their defiant behaviors, may be expressing their developmental milestones to separate and express their identities. Tantrums may not be about a spoiled child trying to manipulate you, but rather about the toddler’s and young child’s inability to express their wants and needs through sophisticated language. 

School-aged children can pick up cues from us. Do we, as parents, use gifts and money as behavioral commerce? If your child gets a high score on a test, do you buy them a gift? Do we pay them cash for good behavior? In what ways do we set up the structure for our children to use merchandise as their means of self-worth?

Staying Off That Naughty List

The month leading up to the holidays is a short clip of time. The real work is during the other eleven. To help your children get perspective on receiving, you can help by encouraging them to give to others throughout the year. It’s better to have your kids take a hands-on approach to giving rather than having them, or you, exclusively donate money to a cause. For example, participating in a food drive by making sandwiches, volunteering time at a children’s center, or getting involved in a community clean-up day are ways in which your child can be involved in the act of giving year-round. 

As parents, we can help our children stay off that “naughty list” by doing some work ourselves for the eleven months pre-season and the one month of the season. We define selfish, spoiled children as those who manipulate their parents to get what they want, despite anyone else’s feelings. By really listening to our children, responding gently, setting clear limits, being consistent in our parenting, and helping them find effective ways of expressing their thoughts and feelings, we are helping our kids be efficient communicators who don’t need to resort to other, less mature ways of getting what they want. And, giving and getting this holiday season can be handled with less ambivalence for all!

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Coren Schwartz, LCSW
Coren Schwartz, LCSW, has been a Westchester resident for the past fifteen years. She shares her time in Westchester helping to raise her family and working as a psychotherapist. Her expertise focuses on adult relationships and parent/child issues. When not in her office working or driving her children to their after school activities, she can be found walking her 80 pound puppy on the beautiful local trails. To learn more about Coren Schwartz and her psychotherapy practice, visit her website at http://www.psychotherapyinwestchester.com