You can feel it.
Somewhere deep inside.
It starts with your room looking like a hurricane went off.
Laundry every where.
You keep telling yourself you’ll get to it eventually, but then another week goes by and another pile is added to the mountain.
You feel overwhelmed.
You just want to sleep.
You’re a mom now.
Moms don’t sleep.
You get the day started.
TV to the channel she wants.
You zone out.
Trying to find a distraction.
You answer and respond to every question. You don’t want to be “that” parent who finds more interest in her phone.
After a while it becomes too much.
You’re starting to feel overwhelmed.
Your distraction didn’t work.
It all comes crashing down.
You stare at the clock waiting for her nap time.
Waiting for those few precious hours you can finally get to yourself.
Her only crime is wanting you.
You feel terrible.
You can’t deal with it anymore.
You gather up all of her dolls.
She loves so many now it’s hard to keep up; you make sure you didn’t forget any.
You send her to bed.
You try so hard to be happy.
You finally close the door.
You can feel it.
It grips you and tightens up your chest.
You struggle to breathe.
You hide in your own room.
Find a small corner and the meltdown begins.
You try so hard to keep it together.
If you had a cave to hide in you would.
Sleep for a hundred years.
But you can’t.
You can’t sleep.
Too much going on.
Too many thoughts.
How did this happen?
You used to be so easy going.
You damn yourself for being so shut off.
Wishing you could change.
Hoping it’s not too late.
The one person you did let in, your husband, has to work.
12+ hours a day. Usually 6 days a week.
You wish he could just drop everything and come home.
Hold you so tight all your pieces fit back together again.
You feel shut in.
Thoughts ever churning.
Never really making any sense of them.
You watch the clock.
You know the countdown is on.
She isn’t really sleeping though.
You hear her singing.
You can’t help but laugh.
You wish you could be as blissful as her.
You suddenly feel silly.
You stand up and pick up a shirt and start folding.
You can get through this.
You will get through this.
This too shall pass.
Depression is something that I feel has gotten more severe as I’ve gotten older. I refuse to let it grip me and take ahold of my life. It’s so easy to find comfort in it, just letting it wrap around you like a blanket, and you’re wrapped in its dark embrace. Being a mother and a wife now, I cannot fall down that dark downward spiral again. I know it’s so difficult to talk about. You feel you don’t want to burden anyone else with your troubles and worries so you just keep it all inside, letting it build up, until you can’t anymore and then you come crashing down.
Please know that you aren’t alone. Know that you are loved. You don’t have to go through this alone.