Passionate About the Westchester County Area
and the Moms Who Live Here

A Dirty Secret and a Confession: My Family’s Relationship with iPads

My family's relationship with ipadsOk. I’ll admit it. Without shame. Here it is: I let my children use iPads; in fact, they each have their own. And they’re three and five. And I’ll go one step further: they’ve had them for years. Years. And I’m going to get the baby one, too.

Even though I don’t think I should have to justify this dirty little secret, I will. We’re a traveling family. At a year and a half we took our first to Australia. With that flight staring us in the face, we caved. My husband and I gave up our hopeful outlook of having a TV and technology-free childhood for our daughter. We threw out all those studies we had read and emailed back and forth about how detrimental it can be for a child under two. Pretty much we threw the granola to the birds and opted for sanity. So, an iPad entered our daughter’s life. And we haven’t looked back. Then it happened again. When baby number two entered, we decided to take a trip to Japan. We knew what we had to do. There were the peek-a-boo apps, the first word apps, the “Look it’s puppy’s nose” apps. And, with a one and a half year old in tow, we survived the flight (and many subsequent road trips, doctor visits, swim lessons…you get the picture). 

My children have gained from using their iPads; my son loves doing dinosaur puzzles and now knows all their names and what they eat. My daughter has learned essential baking ingredients as she makes digital cakes and cookies. I am not ashamed of this knowledge they have gained from someone, something, beyond me. But, I do have a confession that I rarely share with anyone. There is something I absolutely loathe about these iPads: YouTube. More specifically, I have come to acquire a distaste for the videos of children, and often grown adults, playing with toys and the videos of families just going to the park or playing in the yard or packing for grandma’s house. And based upon the number of hits each of these 15 minute gems has, I have the distinct feeling I am not alone in this.

I don’t know exactly how they found YouTube. What I’ve been able to piece together is that my son was angry with an app that plays dinosaur music videos, and he started pressing buttons in frustration. And one of those buttons was the Pandora’s Box of YouTube videos filled with sparkly-eyed families presenting their abundance of new toys and kumbaya-like adoration of one another. That’s how it began. Easy enough. (And yes, they collectively have their top four favorites, all of which I’ve vetted, but I won’t get specific.)

Thing in my house have changed since I’ve had to set hard, strict rules about when, where, and how often the iPads get turned on, something I had never had to do before. Some days, I “forget” to plug them in. Others, I “lose” them in the chaos of the house. I am bombarded with pleading children, crying children, angry children, desperate for one more look at these videos filled with children whose names and interests they now know better than their best real friends. I have forbidden the word “video” to be spoken. But still, my children’s love of these videos of children playing with board games or families going to the dentist has not wavered. The only thing that has is my patience, and my sense of worth.

I try to reason with my children, so they understand the real issue with these videos, even in the small snippets I let them enjoy each week. The problem is, these arguments are flawed, and even I know it. They go a bit like this:

  • There is no educational value in these videos. Except there is. My daughter comes at me with random facts now. Real facts. When I ask where she learned these new and interesting tidbits, she, of course, tells me from her videos (thankfully this is said smug-free). In fact, she is desperate for us to plan a trip to Singapore now that she saw one of her favorite families recently exploring the city. Is it so bad for her to enjoy herself as she learns a bit about other culture, gymnastics, the world? Honestly, it isn’t. But I still don’t like these videos.
  • Watching these videos stifles the imagination. I could go with this reason, if it weren’t for the fact that now my kids are playing with their toys in ways they never previously had. Every toy has a name and personality. Shopkins are busy getting out of storms and saving mermaids, while Lightning McQueen is getting some Hot Wheels dude out of the mud. I should be thanking these videos. Trust me, I want to be the mom who plays with her children and has these great hour long set ups about Dentist Barbie setting out on a journey to visit Princess Tiana in her Malibu Beachhouse, but I’m not. I’m just not. I try, but I have dinner and dishes and diapers and, truth be told, it’s just hard for me to get into it. (It is also made exponentially harder when the child I’m playing with already has in his or her head what I am supposed be making the toys say or do and they neglect to inform me. So, I mess up the storyline and the whole playtime collapses into a pit of despair.) 
  • Creativity is also stifled by these videos. The storage on my daughter’s iPad would beg to differ. I now have video upon video upon video of her trying to create videos. Yep. Those videos. The thing is, she likes to set them up, find something to do that’s entertaining, delivers a pretty awesome snippet of her doings, talks to her “audience,” and begs me for her own YouTube channel. Sigh…so yes, she has been inspired to create.
  • This is just an escape from reality. It’s kid TV, and as much an escape from reality as watching Paw Patrol or Princess Protection Program. It’s HGTV for kids. And I watch HGTV. Like all the time that I’m not with kids (and that’s only because they’d never allow it). HGTV is the soundtrack to my life. So should I blame my children for enjoying those moments when they can just zone out and watch other people doing the things they wish they could be doing (like renovating a house a la Chip and Joanna Gaines)?

So if these perfectly reasonable excuses for not liking these YouTube videos are so unreasonable, what’s the problem? My problem with these videos is not how they impact my children as much as how I fear they impact my children’s perception of me. They watch families that seem to spend every moment with each other, playing, laughing, loving. They don’t understand that it isn’t that hard to reduce a family to 20 minutes of pure joy a day; in fact, I am certain we have those 20 minutes every day, too. But the truth of the matter is, we also have mornings filled with rushing bodies, hours of cranky toddlers, occasional spilled meals, and lost shoes that we don’t have time to turn into a family-wide funfest. I worry that my children don’t understand that nonreality of these videos. Moms aren’t always giggling and planning fun outings. Moms yell. They get distracted. I yell. I get distracted. Sometimes I’m tired or angry. There are days when there’s so much to do I barely get out the door for pickup or drop off. Our life is not the life of YouTube videos. And that is the real reason I loathe these videos. The confession I am compelled to downheartedly make, is that when my children are submerged in these videos of families who never seem to fail, I am acutely aware of the ways in which I am failing them. And on the tough days of motherhood, I worry that they look at me, a momma who is not chasing them with a camera but making their dinners, not singing their names constantly but snuggling their bruises when needed, not giggling and plotting but asking and listening, and I only hope that those places in which I am failing them are not apparent to them, too.


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