From Crazy to Calm

We will never achieve true vitality if we can’t control our stress and anxiety.

I learned this the hard way, after becoming a mom and finding myself drowning in my anxiety for the first time in my life. Yes, I loved my children and my life, but I wasn’t loving me because I got lost along the way. Somewhere between my new role as mom and my initial role (caretaker of self), I got confused.

I thought sacrifice in motherhood meant self-sacrifice – of me—bad idea.

I now know that I was not alone (even though I felt isolated at the time). Many of us do this self-sacrifice thing willingly on the altar of motherhood because we don’t know any better, AND no one is there to stop us.

As a former high-achiever in the work place, it was easy to get it all done. I had no ‘emotional alarms’ ringing daily. Even if I did run into an occasional crisis, I could easily compartmentalize, assign a logical order, and do all that had to be done by the end of the day (because there was an end to the day). It was all manageable within the framework of a mindset (my mindset) of doing the job well. I had control, and I knew how to maintain control because it was just me. Getting it, all done. Well done.

Take that same mindset, you know the superwoman mindset of getting-it-all-done-well, and translate it into motherhood. You know, when things are just not within the same framework of your mind (with limits), but little people placing demands that can’t wait (even for a minute), because they need you. NOW.

With all the emotional alarms ringing, day-in, and day-out. The diapers, accidents, feedings, laundry (that damn never-ending laundry), sleep deprivation, and so on …it’s a time management rodeo.

The same strategies for living simply do not apply because demand upon demand piles up, and it’s not hard to find ourselves running on empty if we haven’t adapted our salvation (self-care needs) to our new role. No, not as the former superwoman (who had ample outs), but as the mom who needs some real strategies for real-life (for real). Right now.

Because here’s the deal, we can easily find ourselves running on empty. Things need to get done, and we’re used to getting things done. Well done. But in motherhood, we’re full-on. And when we try to do everything well (according to our perceived ideal, which is another HUGE topic), we can easily find ourselves in a never-ending feeling of not enough. And before you know it, you’re drowning in the anxiety of there’s not enough time, energy, of me to go around. To get it all done.

Then we find ourselves getting a little edgy, feeling under pressure, weighting the demands, close to losing our cool. It’s not a good place to be in. It’s certainly not a place we want to be in, and yet that’s exactly where moms find themselves (I know I did) with a short fuse and just a bristle away from a code red on any given day. And you know what? It only makes things worse, because when you live on ‘the edge’ of hitting a code red, you feel the guilt (oh the mama guilt).

We need to not go into a code red in the first place and learn to step back from the edge, to get off the monkey mind merry-go-round soon enough to stop the impending craziness. That’s a step in the right direction.

This is where I found myself years ago. I needed to re-evaluate the situation I was in (many mothers are in). To get out from drowning in the craziness and find a way to the safety of the shore – to calm.

Because we are nothing without calm. It doesn’t matter how healthy you eat (I did). It doesn’t matter how much of a superwoman you are (I was). If you can’t stay calm in the face of motherhood and you slip into your crazy mode, everyone suffers. You, your family, everyone you care for will suffer.

Here’s the thing, there are both emotional and physical components to deal with when you’re experiencing stress – any stress. Many of us are in those states chronically as a matter of living with unmanaged stress. Terrible idea. We were not designed for chronic stress; we were designed for situations of stress (think fight or flight) followed by a recovery. The problem now is that many of us never make it to the recovery stage. You are affecting biochemistry when you’re stressed. THAT’S JUST A FACT. So, let’s not go there.

Instead, let’s stop the stress by turning ON the calm.